Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
