I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
