last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
