as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
