so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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