put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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