If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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