i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
