My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
