my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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