We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
