So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
