Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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