I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
