just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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