Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
No subtext here. People are naked.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
