I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
