she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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