some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
