Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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