The maid of honor just puked.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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