Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
