She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Drake has all the answers
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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