I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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