my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
