it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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