two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
