I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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