dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
