i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
