Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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