Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
