I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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