That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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