You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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