i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
