Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
