my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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