BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
