seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Randomize
