Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
