I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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