dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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