I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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