I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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