I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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