i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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