I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
