we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
That was before I lit my hair on fire
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
