I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
