Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
