Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
