Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
