Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
