today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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