I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Randomize
