i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
