Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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