Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
