I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
