Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
